The Science Of Bad Movies

In Entertainment, Reviews, Sarcasm on September 22, 2008 at 5:24 am

Remember this review?

Well I just watched a similarly terrible movie on Saturday, titled: Babylon A.D., starring Vin Diesel.

Okay, by now you’re probably saying: “That’s what you get watching a Vin Diesel movie.”  Truthfully, the global warming made me watch.  Jakarta was literally the melting pot (read: everything could melt) due to the heat that day, and I needed somewhere cool to go.  What could be cooler than the XXI cinemas air conditioners?  Hence the movie, because we (me and le boyfriend) missed Hellboy.  The nearest movie was Babylon A.D. and we proceeded, ignoring the huge possibility of the movie being awful as we saw Vin Diesel on the poster.  As long as we can find A.C, we’ll watch A.D.


I’m not gonna rewrite the plot here.  I’m just gonna type my observation of how to avoid or to make the most out of watching bad movies after several experiences, including especially the most traumatic one: Sunshine.

1.  Never judge a book by its cover, but do judge a movie by its poster.  Should there be the likes of Vin Diesel, Steven Seagal or any men known for their muscles acting in a ‘science fiction’, steer clear.  Well, except for the Governator because he doesn’t entirely suck as governor and maybe Bruce Willis because he still look hot even after the last Die Hard, having a camera-crazed Rumer Willis and lost to Aston Kutcher in real life.

2.  Don’t believe everything you hear or read in gossip blogs.  But take news like THIS into serious consideration before even thinking about spending a precious hour and a half-ish on a movie that’s even hated by the director himself.  Perez darling, I gotta learn to trust you more and I will.

3.  Never ever ever again believe that Michelle Yeoh can do science fiction.  She may crouch really well with tigers, dazzle as geisha guru or beat Jet Li’s immortal ass.  But attempting to jumpstart the sun?  Being a guardian for a not-that-pretty human bot?  Nah.  We’ve seen enough science from her.  She should stay on fiction.

4.  Should you live in the sweltering tropics like I do, use the chance to take a good nap in the cool theater while trapped watching these sort of movies.  You’ll learn how to shut everything out and find inner peace.  See it as a meditation exercise.  Your yoga teacher will be proud of you.

5.  Do not attempt to even find the plot because there aren’t any.  It’s like watching porn without all the sex.

6.  Be generous in sweet pop corns, sweet candies and sweet drinks.  On that note, I would like to say that I just found out, studio XXI’s caramelized popcorns are tops and no, the ones at BLITZ Megaplex is NOT better.  Savor your sweet foods, eat like no tomorrow and when you get sugar high, maybe you’ll leave the theater happier than most people.

And those, my friends, are the six points my observation.  Today, me and le boyfriend have made up yesterday’s mistake by watching Hellboy 2 and even if the story isn’t good enough to some people out there, we respect the efforts to make Hellboy such a funny dude, even under the costumes.  No, no, I take that back.  Hellboy is WAY BETTER than ANY Vin Diesel movie.

Oh and for those of you who think this movie is way ahead of its time, therefore not suitable for my teeny tiny brains, I just have to say this:

I’d rather be “stupid and backwards” than to acknowledge Babylon A.D. as a science-fiction breakthrough.


  1. add “mustache” on #1 there. cos chuck norris got both, muscles and mustache.
    and #5, it’s exactly like watching porn, be… no plot at all hahaha

  2. bebe: chuck norris? is that man still around? wow for a second there i thought i had hollywood-amnesia. he’s a has-been. the question is: been where? LOL!

  3. Is it really THAT bad ?? I haven’t seen it though, but a friend of mine didn’t give me a good impression.

    Anyway, Vin’s movies are typical and I would watch Vin’s movie only if I were a gay and I need to jerk off.

  4. mikearmand: let’s just say it’s soooo bad that i want you to see it so we can bitch about it together. by the way, i think vin diesel isn’t even gay men’s fantasy. LOL!

  5. post watching A.D
    me: what the hell was that?
    bf: i have no idea.

    and we walked out of the cinema confused.

  6. stella: exactly. 😀 porn without all the sex, isn’t it?

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