On The Edge, Thinking.

In Randomness on January 9, 2008 at 11:57 pm

Someone who still manages to maintain his wit after downing two Panadols once told me that I should always live on the edge.  By on the edge he means that I should live like there’s no tomorrow.  Cease the day.  Carpe diem.  And all that stuff.

And I believed him.

I am all for this living on the edge philosophy.  And I think I am doing it perfectly.  I HAVE been doing it all my adult life.  Why?  Because instead of just wondering what life is like beyond the edge, sometimes I choose to follow my guts and take a free fall.  Heck I don’t even care to jump.  Why?  Because I always believe that there would be a branch or something that I can be caught on.

After a year of taking my last free fall, I am caught on quite a nice branch.  It should be nice and cushy, growing up and being fed big fat worms by the eagles in the nest, but now I feel trapped.  And this is one branch I could never seem to look beyond the edge from, let alone thinking of jumping off.

Is it because I am getting older?  Now that I calculate the risks?  Like: what if the branch after this won’t hold me up because now I am fucking fat due to excessive worm-eating?  What if there’s no more branch big enough for me?

It is eerie to think that you have been living your life and making major decisions without calculating the risks involved.  Because you always manage to pull through, no matter what.  And at the time you actually stop and think about the risks, you reflect on your life and realize that you were never a daredevil people say you were.  You were only plain lucky.

And then you start thanking God for your luck.

And then you think: “Does luck actually come from God, or is it just a form of natural imbalance delivered by a fictional but pretty lady who apparently is too kind and perfect for a name that people just absent-mindedly call her ‘Lady Luck’?”

Right.  This is too deep a thought for a mid-week break.  But as one might have predicted, there was never anything such as a ‘break’ for me.  I think I’m gonna go chirp and probably do a little bird dance to please my mother Eagle so she feeds me bigger worms this time.


  1. ‘living on the edge’ and ‘believing that there would be a branch or something’ cannot work separately. Since ‘living on the edge’ without ‘believing that there’d be a branch or something’ would be a suicide.

    I think it’s better to believe that we’re on the right track, and all we gotta do is to safely reach the next ‘pitstop’ (there is no ‘finish line’ to our road is there?)

    Anyway, forgive me with this nonsense …

  2. i think i am not a carpe diem type of guy, never was. dont u think so?
    and it wasnt luck, bebe. it was you, maybe you did the freefall, but you chose which side you wanted to fall off to, you chose the side that had a lot of thick branches to hold your worm-filled body (eewww).
    it was you bebe, all you 😉

  3. Hmm…. I kinda feel you 🙂

    Take a deep breath and think it through

  4. mikearmand: it’s not nonsense at all, mike. honestly i’d go with the pitstop-race thingie, but since what i am doing now isn’t really like racing, i guess living on the edge is quite the right words. hahaha!

    bebe: are you sure it wasn’t luck? because i feel sometimes i don’t even know where i’m gonna land. i always do the free fall with my eyes closed. how scary is that?

    Ecky: i do believe so. and i am thinking things through. sorry, i’ve BEEN thinking things through. a lot.

    in case anyone is wondering, this isn’t about my love life. in fact, the love life is one thing that keeps me going. 🙂

  5. Living on the edge does not mean not measuring risks. In fact, it is after knowing the risks is when you are truly on the edge.
    My definition of Living On the Edge is to take on life in a full frontal attack mode, nothing spared.
    So if you work, then work to the best of your every skill you have, and if you dont have the skill, go get it!
    If you love, then make sure that the love you give is the purest one every second there is. Why not make every moment a kissable moment (if romantic love)? Why not make every moment a nothing short of I love you (for any kind of love – parental, friendship, etc)
    If you are in any sharing encounter with anyone, why mark which portion is yours and which isnt. You are sharing.
    This may sound so simplistic, almost childlike, but it is the many layers we place prior to making decisions (including risk calculation)that are the steps away from the edge.
    What is most strange for me is that some of us, even with a full working parachute attached to our body, we still dont want to go to the edge. Wonder why? Too comfortable, too scared, wanting to play by the book, whatever……(is this your state of mind when you said you have fallen off the edge but were caught on a branch on a limb off a cliff?)

    Then you haven’t jump my dear. You haven’t.

    Remember the recent yet brief discussion abt wanting to live with other pros and not wanting to be held back by idiots….now that’s closer to being on the edge. But then you said, you wont be doing it soon….it will take a couple more years. Your choice….no one should be pushing you off to be by the edge. You should only get there when you are ready.

    Otherwise, you wont have the mental capacity to be there. But then, that is another story….

  6. btw, some of us prefer to have God in the equation. No problem there…..

  7. J Van Thiel: i’m taking my time and have been trying hard to give myself a break. to tell you the truth, the past year has been harder than those times i thought were the hardest. reading your comment had made me realize that i have to simplify my thoughts. and yeah, lately -strange as it may seem- i’ve been adding God in the equation. again, maybe this is just something that ‘grown-ups’ have to go through and you must know how i hate having to be one.

    maybe i should start taking panadols to clear my head. 😀

  8. Aaahhh… the beauty of living on the edge that I once knew. After my two mini-me were born, I had to part with it but that’s a-okay. Could you refresh my memory, is Panadol for headaches?

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