In Gloomy Me on December 31, 2006 at 2:04 am

I don’t know what I’m about to ramble about, well I do know, but I don’t feel like writing a ‘witty’ post right now as all I want to do is wake up from this freaky dream. Oh how I hope it’s a dream.

It is horrible to have something you really like taken away from you. I remember when I was in elementary school, my mother used to clean my room up from so-called ‘distractions’ whenever exams are approaching. And I remember how I used to silently cry at night because I couldn’t watch my TV, listen to my radio, or read my comic books before bed. I remember how horrible the first week would be. And then I’d try things to get them back. I’d steal from her room. I’d beg. I’d cry some more. But no amount of stealing attempts, begging and crying got my stuff back. Not until the exams are really over and a good-marked report card is handed over to my parents. Miserable or not, I’d be pushed to study -and doodle, for it was the only entertainment I could have.

In short, I liked my things and I feel terrible without them.

How can I help it? I wasn’t born with siblings to keep me company. And as much as my parents love me, they were pretty busy when they were young. So I spent my childhood in a rather ‘lonely’ situation. I guess that’s why I don’t really mind being alone. Heck, I even like loneliness. The sense of solitude appeals to me. The problem starts whenever I get attached to something.

I could never let go easily.

Is it my fault then?

I really want to scream my lungs out. There are so fucking many things inside my head and nothing can comfort me. Fuck. I thought I got myself out from that shithole, but turns out that I fell into another shithole without knowing and who knows if I’d be able to climb my way back up.

Is this a punishment? If it is, then what did I do wrong? -No, I am not asking you. I’m asking YOU, God. Seriously, I know I’ve upset You many times, but really… what did I do to get this?

Sometimes I wish life would have real directions so I don’t have to feel so fucking lost like I do now. Oh my God, it’s been a helluva LONG time since I’ve been this confused. It’s like going back into my pre-teen era again.


This is a bad bad dream and I want to wake up!

  1. Hope you are feeling much better now that you know you have friends surrounding you that you won’t have to let go.

    Hugs …

  2. what would you like to scream about? it might help to offload it on somebody else. are you just dissatisfied with how things in general? oh, feel free to offload it to me. I don’t know you very well yet so my perspective won’t be biased 🙂

    and never think you’re alone. heck, I’m reading your blogs everyday! hehehe.

  3. Hope you are doing better.

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